One After Another

I have struggled with my addiction for a lifetime. I wanted people around me that were just like me. I married my husband (Michael Tanner) in 2003, leaving a Public Defender boyfriend to do so. After years of abuse, Michael died of an overdose in 2010, leaving myself, and our 4 and 5 year old daughters. My addiction went through many stages after that, from picking up the needle to many attempts at sobriety. We (my children and/or I) have been through homelessness, unemployment, food insecurity, rape/sexual abuse, domestic violence, lived in a Domestic Violence shelter, Hep C, suffered the loss of many friends and family from overdoses, and much much more.

That lifestyle went on until 2022. I got in some legal trouble with my sister and I entered into a program that demanded that I stay drug and alcohol free. I worked with my sponsor, went to meetings, and made many changes in my life. In 2022, I left treatment and went to my Best Friend (of many years) house . I knew that he had been anxiously awaiting my return from treatment. Knocked several times, the door was open but locked. I went to get the landlord to let me in and that’s when I found him dead from a drug overdose. I was devastated, but somehow, I stayed drug and alcohol free.

In 2023, I received a call that my father unexpectedly passed away in his sleep. I didn’t understand, he was a healthy 70 year old. We received his autopsy report, he passed from Acute Cocaine Intoxication. Again, devastation, but I manage to stay drug and alcohol free. In 2024, I begin getting texts asking me “if it’s true?”. Over and over again. I was at the library (of course thee most quiet place in the universe), and I finally called my friend back to ask what she was talking about. She was crying and said YOUR SISTER, a family friend works at the hospital and said that she died! I said no no no, not my sister, it MUST be some kind of mistake. I called the county coroner and to my dismay, it WAS true. She was found unresponsive in a known drug house. She had overdosed and passed away. I thought to myself, it’s been one after another. There’s no one left! My entire family had been wiped out in a matter of 3 years.

I have managed to stay drug and alcohol free throughout these deaths. Many many tears, much hard honesty with my sponsor and support group, and staying extremely busy all of the time. To date, I am still drug and alcohol free, but I continue to struggle with “why not me” and “why was I spared”? I often wonder IF there are people out in the world that have suffered what I have suffered, One After Another? Could I help them? Could they help me? Could we help each other?