Fabiana's Journey

I wanna start of by talking about my mental health, I have suffered from bad mental health ever since I was a little girl. I didn’t know what that meant nor understood only that I was struggling and as I got older my conditions progressed. I was diagnosed with bipolar depression, ADHD, ptsd/trauma, generalized anxiety and major depressive disorder. Life was hard growing up, besides my conditions I also struggled with other things such as socializing, motivating myself, controlling my emotions, advocating for myself, taking care of myself & even in school. I never could focus or pay attention in school partially because I didn’t care but even so it was hard for me to do assignments.

Fast forwarding to when I started high school, I have bounced around schools but ended up in this residential treatment school because I was having issues with behaving and being home. I got into many fights and I was always wrapped up in the drama, I’ve even been jumped twice in hs, was robbed of my personal items & got set up. I made friends in hs but none were my real friends nor genuine the only thing I was good for was weed and liquor which leads me to the next thing, I started vaping at 16 which led to smoking weed and eventually drinking at 18. I used to run around campus doing stupid stuff, I awoled twice meaning we snuck off campus and walked an hour there n back to this smoke shop and even hung out in the cemetery which idk why I did that but I did n I aIso hung out around the wrong crowd and I got swept up into everything and fell into this deep dark hole that I couldn’t bring myself out of, I was really depressed, sad and even suicidal but deep down I didn’t want my life to end so I drowned out the pain with substances. I did some pretty stupid things in hs which I regretted dearly. Eventually I had enough of everything that was happening at the school so I made an executive decision to drop out and leave.

After I came home things were still bad I was depressed like no joke, I was emotionally eating to feel better and I was still using heavily. Despite what was going on I started going outside because I was tired of the isolation so I made new friends and started hanging out outside even doe I knew there were not good people, I started going to parties, clubs, hanging out in dangerous places that I knew weren’t safe it’s like I was playing Russian roulette with my life. I’ve seen some pretty crazy stuff and I even got myself into some sticky situations. One night I was going up to the Bronx to this lounge and I got set up by a guy who I thought was my friend and I fought 2 heavy set girls and thankfully I was able to get away but there was a guy on a e bike chasing me so i ran as fast as I could and by the grace of god I knocked on this ladies door because I heard her dogs barking and I said you have to let me come in because of the guy on the e bike and I was scared shitless and was messed up bad, I was under the influence so that made things even worse, This is the night I found god I prayed for my safety and he delivered so I called my mom and she came to pick me up she was scared for her life, after that night I was broken it was like someone stabbed me in my heart and it became empty.

This was the night I knew I had to make changes and stop with all the bullshit behavior. I cut everyone off and Even after all that happened the cycle still continued I still continued to drink and smoke and I made new friends and did the whole shabang all over again. I was so hopeless and broken I thought things were never gonna get better for me. I asked god why me? What’s wrong with me? Am I ever gonna be truly happy? Why are people so cruel in this world?

Fast forwarding to October 2024 I was walking outside one day and I saw a sign that said “If not now, then when”!! That was clear as day a sign that I needed to stop the vicious cycle and get the help I truly need. A little bit before then I was already having thoughts on wanting to quit smoking and drinking but I was fearful and scared that I wasn’t gonna be able to get through this so I talked to my mom and decided to go to rehab and get clean. I blocked and cut everyone off n I went to cove forge out in PA and I did detox and stayed for 28 days. When I came out I felt so much better, my mind was more clearer, I finally felt free and at peace and truly happy again!!! I was able to stay clean for 6 months before I started hanging around the wrong people again and I had my first relapse & started the vicious cycle again, it was really bad and a part of me cared but the other part didn’t. I told myself I couldn’t do this without substances and I had missed it dearly so it began again, I fell into that deep dark hole that I tried so hard to pull myself out of and I couldn’t dig myself out this time so I was stagnant.

Months passed and I was still using and my mom would send me these video of people getting laced, dying and saying smoking isn’t good for you lowkey that scared me and I started having major epiphanies and realizations about myself and what was going on in my life. I realized that if I continued to smoke and drink I would either be dead in a ditch or a worser fate and I wouldn't be able to live the life I truly wanted so I decided on August 27th that I would go back to rehab to get clean and restart my life all over again. I did detox for a week and then I went back home, I was told that I shouldn’t leave and that I should stay for the full 28 days but I felt like that wasn’t needed. Even during my short stay I learned a lot & I told myself I was tired of the pain, vicious cycles and everything with it and I told myself mom that I don’t wanna use anymore and that I wanna learn how to live a healthy happy life without the use of substances and to find myself through sobriety.

I felt like god gave me a second chance for a reason and I am not gonna mess it up because I know if I do the consequences will be brutal so Here I am on October 12th I am 1 month and 10 days clean. Despite still going through mental health stuff I feel so much better again mind is clearer, and I'm more motivated than I was before, more positive & more hopeful. I have a lot to be grateful for and I truly know now I do have the capacity to stay clean and really stick with it as long as I go to my AA meetings, meet with my sponsor and make connections throughout the AA community. Without AA I don’t know where I would be right now probably somewhere in gods country but what I’m truly grateful for is my support system like I would not be alive if it wasn’t for my mom and my guy best friend of 7 years my best friend has stuck with me for years and never once did me dirty nor get into an argument he has always shown support and always watched out for me in hs even now.

I’m also grateful for my mom because she never once abandoned me throughout active addiction, she never gave up on me even when things got hard and when I hurt her really bad I regretted It deeply or even when I said I wished she was dead. She has shaped me into the woman I am today and I love her for that and I hope one day I can return the favor by doing something for her that she’ll never forget. I tell myself life isn’t so bad it’s what you make of it and I’m learning how to be grateful for the small things in life not the grand things, I’m still finding myself and my new identity without substances involved and I realized that my true passion and dream is to work with kids who suffer from mental health n special needs because I know what it’s like to struggle and to be down in the dumps so I wanna spread the message and hope to inspire/motivate others with my experience, strength and hope!!!! As long as god is in my life I will be unstoppable. I am only 22 and my journey is just beginning!! To anyone who is still struggling either with mental health or addiction just know I may be young but anyone can go through it at any age and you will get through this, this darkness is not the end and there is light waiting for you at the end of the tunnel and I know because I have lived it many times so keep your head up and not down because if you do that you won't see the beautiful things that are coming your way & always thank god for being alive.